Facing Your Fears
by Kagedtiger
Summary: Pastfic. A Defense Against the Dark Arts class forces Sirius and Remus to face themselves and each other. RS slash


Facing Your Fears

  


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**Notes: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, as we all know. I am making no profit from these characters or this story.**  
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"You're right," said James, "I've noticed it too." 

Remus sighed in mixed relief and disappointment. He had half hoped that James would tell him that he was going crazy and was completely wrong. "Then it's not just my imagination." 

James shook his head ruefully. "No, Sirius really has been avoiding you." 

"But _why_?" asked Remus, distressed. "Why would he do something like that?" 

"No idea," said James. But Remus knew that was a lie. 

It was obvious why Sirius was avoiding him. He could trace it back to just when it started too. It had been right after he they all found out that he was a werewolf. 

So that was it then. Sirius was afraid of him. 

"Look," said James awkwardly, "I know there has to be some sort of explanation. Sirius isn't a bad person. And he's always been a little, well, odd. I'm sure he'll come around eventually." 

"Sure," said Remus without much conviction. He had been afraid that this would happen. People would know he was a werewolf and never look at him the same way. Even one of his closest friends was scared to be around him. 

Remus found himself wishing unfairly for a moment that it had been James who was afraid of him. Or better yet, Peter. Not Sirius. Not gorgeous, wonderful, I'm-so-sexy-don't-you-just-want-to-come-over-here-and-lick-me Sirius. He put a hand to his face. No, it would be the one person whose opinion he cared about most. Because that was typical for his life. 

Distantly he felt James put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Do you want me to talk to him about it?" he asked. 

Remus felt suddenly guilty about wanting James to be the one who feared him. All of his friends were really important, and he was really glad that they supported him. ...Or most of them did, at any rate. 

"No, that's okay. I don't think he even wanted me to realize that he was avoiding me. Besides, if anyone should talk to him, it should be me." 

James nodded and said something more or less to the effect that this was a good idea, and that he was sure Sirius would come around on his own anyway. Then Remus felt James pulling him to his feet. He was slightly startled. 

"Come on," said James, "if we don't get going now, we'll be late for class. And it's Defense Against the Dark Arts next." 

Remus blinked in surprise. It was later than he'd thought. "Yeah, okay. Let's get to class then." 

Feeling no better than when they'd entered, Remus followed James out of the empty classroom and into the crowded hallway. At least Defense Against the Dark Arts was next. He actually _liked_ that class. Not to mention the fact that they had just finished studying werewolves, so his grades weren't exactly suffering. 

He entered the classroom quietly, moving towards his usual seat. He would have liked to sit by one of his friends, but unfortunately the teacher in this class had them arranged alphabetically for the whole year. He sighed. Professor Dervius was not the best and not the worst teacher in the school. His lectures were boring, but nowhere near as bad as Professor Binns. And he had a tendency to intersperse them with some hands-on activities that were almost always interesting. 

Remus found himself, as he often did in this class, staring at Sirius's back, two seats in front of him. Even his _back_ was sexy, if that was possible. Plus you got a great view of his wonderful hair. Remus knew that James always wished his hair would stay as carefully tousled as Sirius's looked. But while Sirius managed to pull off a constantly wind-swept, bad-boy, and at the same time take-me-home puppy hairstyle, James's always tended to become ratty and simply messy. 

Professor Dervius entered with a brisk, "Quills out please!" that was followed by poorly concealed groans; quills meant lecture day. But some of the groans were stifled as the students caught glimpses of the box he was carrying. By the time he had reached the front of the room and placed it on the table there, the room was buzzing with excited whispers. 

"Now," said the Professor, as everyone hurriedly remembered what he had said and dove for quills and parchment, "today we will be learning about boggarts. Boggarts are an unusual manifestation, best known for what?" 

A tiny girl in the front row with huge owlish glasses and prominent teeth raised her hand and waved it wildly. 

"Yes, Miss Tonkin?" he asked, pointing at her. 

"Boggarts show you your worst fears, sir," she said in a high-pitched squeaky voice. 

"That is absolutely correct," said Professor Dervius. "Five points to Ravenclaw." 

The Professor launched into a long discussion on the particular traits of Boggarts, but Remus found it hard to concentrate. His mind kept slipping back to his discussion with James. Was it really so bad that even James had noticed it? James, who never lifted his head from showing off for more than two minutes at a time? Remus sighed. He didn't want Sirius to be afraid of him. And maybe he wasn't. Maybe it was something else entirely. Maybe Sirius was just worried about a test coming up or something, and he was acting preoccupied with everyone. Sure. And it was only most noticable with Remus because they were usually the closest. That made sense. Remus wished he could make himself believe it. 

"And now," said Professor Dervius, snapping Remus back to attention, "we will begin the practical half of our lesson." 

Remus looked down. To his horror, he had completely missed the lecture. His parchment consisted of nothing more that the title, "Boggarts," underlined, and under that the word "fear." Remus sighed and put away his parchment, hoping that for once in their lives his friends had taken notes. Peter sometimes did, maybe Remus could copy his. 

Professor Dervius brought their attention to the box at the front of the room, which was shaking slightly. "Now," he said, "I have had the great fortune to find a boggart haunting a space which is small enough to be portable. They enjoy dark places and normally tend to inhabit larger things, such as beds and wardrobes. Now, do you all remember the charm I just taught you?" (Remus panicked slightly; what charm?) "When the boggart appears, it will take the shape of whatever the person closest to it fears the most. Now, you are to imagine this feared thing doing something amusing. For instance, if your worst fear is skeletons, you could imagine it with feet where its arms are, or two percussion mallets playing on its ribs. When you have this, you are to shout the _Riddikulus_ charm. This will hopefully force the boggart into that shape. The trick is to get many of us to do this so that the boggart becomes confused. Are you all ready?" 

As the class murmured their affirmatives, Remus attempted to ease his way towards the back. Hopefully he wouldn't get chosen, or he would at least have time to watch others performing their charms before he was called on to do one of his own. To no one's great surprise, Sirius was up near the front, looking eager for action. Remus wondered if he knew the charm they were supposed to be doing either. 

Professor Dervius motioned for the person nearest him, Gladys Tonkin, to step forward, and opened the box. Immediately a huge spider crawled out of it. Gladys squeezed her eyes shut, pointed her wand, and shouted, "_R-riddikulus_!" As she opened her eyes a crack to see if it had worked, the spider's legs became entangled in a large pink ribbon, which was apparently tied about them in a bow. 

"Very good!" said Professor Dervius enthusiastically. He motioned forward the next person. "Mr. Reese, your turn." 

Terrence Reese stepped forward. There was a large cracking noise, and the tied-up spider became a pile of cockroaches so large that many spilled off the table. 

As Terry turned the bugs bright pink with yellow polka-dots, Remus realized with mounting horror what his would turn into. 

It was always there, in the back of his mind. The moon. He could sense it getting nearer and nearer to being full. And then it would come, the dreadful, horrible night. The werewolf would surface and he wouldn't be able to control it. The beast that was inside of him and would kill them all if it got the chance. It would be loose again. 

Remus realized he was shaking and moved back in the crowd slightly. Maybe it would never come to that. Maybe time would run out before they got to him. Remus swallowed. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. He could deal with the moon, he knew it wasn't real. And with any luck, no one but his friends would recognize it for what it was. 

Then again, when had he ever had any sort of luck? 

"Black!" called Dervius, and Remus turned his attention back to the boggart with interest to see what it would turn into for Sirius. 

And froze, his heart sinking into his stomach. 

In front of the classroom, perched on the edge of the table, sat Remus himself. He was frowning and looked rather disgusted. His mouth opened and he shouted something that apparently only Sirius could hear. 

The classroom was dead silent. As one, they all turned to look at the real Remus. Sirius seemed to suddenly comprehend what was going on, and looked towards Remus. His face was a mask of shame and horror. "R-remus, please, this isn't what it looks like. I'm not-" 

But Remus wasn't listening. The sound of Sirius's voice seemed to have released him from his stunned paralysis. He mumbled something about not feeling well and took off towards the door to the classroom at a stumbling run. His only thought was to get as far away from the room as possible. 

He entered the now empty hallway and sprinted down it. But by the time he had reached the point where it ended in a T, he realized that he really had no idea where he was going. He supposed he should head towards the hospital wing, in case the Professor sent someone looking for him. His face burned with shame. It was confirmed then. Not only was he Sirius's _worst_ fear, everyone in the class now knew it too. Remus felt like he wanted to cry. Why did it have to be Sirius? Why couldn't someone that he didn't know and didn't care about find out about the werewolf thing and be pertrified? Then it might sting a little, but at least it wouldn't be this all-encompassing ache... 

Suddenly Remus heard footsteps behind him, and he whirled around, exspecting to see the caretaker berating him for being in the halls between classes without permission. But it wasn't. 

It was Sirius. 

Remus turned back to where he had been leaning against the wall and groaned. Sirius was about the last person that he wanted to talk to right now. A small part of his mind vaguely wondered how he had gotten out of class to follow him. The larger part of him didn't care. 

"Remus, let me explain, okay?" Sirius said, coming up and putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. 

Remus was suddenly angry. What right did he have? What _right_ did he have to try and be comforting?! _James_ had been comforting this morning. James could put a hand on his shoulder if he wanted to because _James_ wasn't scared to death of him! 

"_Explain_?!" shouted Remus, fully realizing that his voice sounded hysterical and not caring. "What's there to explain? You're terrified of me! You think that I'm a dangerous psycopath who will turn into an uncontrollable wolf and rip you all to pieces while your sleeping!" 

"That's not true!" Sirius protested. "You couldn't hear what he was saying, what the boggart was-" 

"Why should I care?!" Remus interrupted. "What was I saying then? Was I warning you that the Big Bad Wolf was coming to get you and eat you up? Was I threatening to kill James or something? Because I know that he's your _real_ friend." 

Remus suddenly felt Sirius whirl him around and pin him to the wall with one hand on each shoulder. His expression was a mix of rage and pain. "Don't ever say that! Please, _please_ Remus, just let me explain it, okay?" 

Remus still felt angry, but he knew that it was no use struggling against Sirius if the other boy wanted to hold him here. Sirius was very strong, and except for his werewolf days, Remus had never really been much of one for any sort of physical contest. 

"Fine then," he said bitterly. "Explain yourself, then let me go so that I can get out of here and stop scaring you." 

"Remus, I..." For all his apparent desire to explain, Sirius seemed at a loss for words. "I'm not scared of you, okay? I'm scared of your reaction to... if I told you..." 

Remus closed his eyes. "Told me what? That you were uncomfortable being my friend because I'm a werewolf? I knew I should have kept this secret from you guys. This was a bad-" 

"This has nothing to do with you being a werewolf!" Sirius interrupted, shaking him slightly. 

Remus opened his eyes cautiously. That wasn't what he had expected. If it wasn't being a werewolf that frightened him, then what was it? 

"Look," said Sirius, his eyes on the ground, "I'm afraid of rejection, okay? I was afraid that if I told you, you would hate me, be disgusted with me. I thought you'd want me to stay away from you, not be friends any more." 

Now Remus was thoroughly confused. "What are you talking about? Tell me what? Sirius? What would tell me?" 

"That I-" Sirius broke off. "I can't. I'm too scared. What if it happens just like with the boggart?" 

Remus closed his eyes. He shouldn't make this promise, probably, but curiosity was eating him alive. This could very well be the reason Sirius had been avoiding him, and he had to know. "Sirius, I promise. I promise that I won't hate you. And I'll try my very best to still be your friend, if you want that." 

Still looking at the ground, Sirius blushed and mumbled something that Lupin couldn't hear. 

"What?" 

Only slightly louder, Sirius mumbled, "I'm in love with you." 

Remus blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he considered. Sirius was in love with him? Would that explain everything? Well, the fear of rejection certainly fit. And avoiding him... it could have started with the werewolf thing, because it would have made Sirius unsure about how to tell him. Well, even more than that. Remus was a different species now, wasn't he? 

Sirius suddenly took a step back, taking his hands off of Remus's shoulders. With all the intensity of a brick to the head, Remus realized that Sirius had just told him that he was in love with him and Remus hadn't said anything for at least a full minute. 

He looked over at Sirius, and grabbed his arm before he could walk away. "Hey, it's okay. I love you too." 

Now it was Sirius's turn to look poleaxed. Remus blushed and hurriedly explained. "I-I've felt that way for a while, and I've always wondered how to tell you. But, then there was the whole werewolf thing, and you started avoiding me, and I thought- well..." 

"You thought I was afraid of you," finished Sirius. "I'm sorry Remus, I didn't mean to do that to you." 

Remus shook his head. "But it's okay now, right? Because you love me too. So, we don't have to be scared any more." 

Sirius smiled. "No, we don't." There a short pause, where the two of them looked at each other almost awkwardly. Then Sirius moved forward again and asked quietly, "Can I kiss you?" 

Remus nodded, a sudden lump in his throat. "Please." 

And so, without any fear at all, Sirius did. 

  


  


- THE END -

Oh God, that was hideous. Take me back.   
or   
Oh God, that was hideous. Let me complain to the author. 


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